Sunday, May 20, 2018

Street vendor

Just a quickie...

You want what, sweetheart?  ‘Humiliation’?
Yeah… look, I don’t really do the freak stuff, you know?  I mean… I’m still young and attractive… got lovely big tits, arse, yeah?  I generally go with men who actually get turned on by an attractive female body: I take my clothes off, they get hard, we fuck and that’s it.
Trouble with a humiliation scene, is I never know when I take my bra off whether you’re going to want to kiss my tits or put it on yourself, you know?  And if I take my knickers off you’d probably rather handwash them than fuck me, wouldn’t you?
There was a girl round here used to cater to perves like you, you know.  She didn't like them either, but she had these... like, cold sores? So normal blokes didn't much want to fuck her. She used to make her customers kiss her sores - said they couldn't get enough of it. Horrible.
I mean, you must get diseases, right?  I expect you like kissing and licking shoes, yeah?  You'd like to get down on your knees and lick away at the lovely red leather on these, wouldn't you?  Even though I'm out here on the street wearing them all evening. There's probably not an inch of this pavement that hasn't been pissed on by some beered-up bloke going home from the pub: you know that, right?  It's not like I step in puddles of the stuff but would you really lick the soles of these?  Even if they, like, stank of piss?  Fucking hell, you would, wouldn't you?
Look, darling, you know, two blocks down is where the really old tarts hang out.  You go down there and they’ll humiliate you all right – you can empty your wallet for some sixty year-old alcoholic with severe halitosis, you know? Cos I'm not going to get any real customers who want an actual woman to fuck, while you're standing here touching yourself like that.  
Yeah - don't think I didn't notice.
Oh god – you’ve got a stiffie, haven’t you? Is that just from talking to me like this, you pathetic loser?  Jesus fucking Christ that's sad.  How do blokes like you get so fucked up anyway?  Did you, like, get caught masturbating in your mum’s knickers or something? And then get hard when she spanked you over her lap? Or maybe it's some sort of repressed homosexual thing.
Do you know what street girls like me call sad old gits like you? We –
Oh? Oh fuck! Are you coming in your trousers?  Oh, you filthy fucking... is that just from talking to me?  That has got to be the saddest thing I’ve ever seen… I think I’m going to have to offer a free fuck to the next real man who goes past, just to get that out of my mind.
All done?  Great.
Do you want a tissue?  No?  Sure - cos there's a bit of a stain?  So if you're going back to work, I'd... No?  Done for the week?  Oh - lucky you!  Weekend starts here, eh?
All right, sweetheart. 
Take care now, OK?  See you next week.

Friday, May 18, 2018

World War M

One of our embedded reporters managed to send the following scenes.  We salute our heroines.


Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Until morale improves

There is actually a technique for pushing a pole all the way through a man's alimentary canal without causing internal injuries.  Sadly, she doesn't know it.

I would explain, but Someone doesn't allow me to speak to strangers.  Or, indeed, people we know.

Residents staying for longer get a food dispenser too.  But you'll be OK without - it's only ten days.
 This is the lovely, clever and witty Tiffany Naylor, yet another Lady who has had the misfortune to encounter Servitor in 'person'.

I'm surprised he can afford to visit her, on a teacher's salary.  Still, he gets his money's worth.

I've actually set up my loozr account so it automatically sends a message to any woman who spends longer than five minutes within ten metres of me.  I don't know what the message says, but on the very rare ocasions it's been used, it seems to have been quite effective.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Matronising attitudes

Well, all right. As long as I get to have my say on the subject.

That's fair.

It's so hard to choose sometimes, isn't it?  Hmm... would I rather have a cock in my mouth or a turd? It's so hard being submissive - I'll bet other sexual perversions don't end up causing such dilemmas.

It's actually doubly unfair to set particularly hard questions to boys, because we're stupider.

Hope she reads the instructions.  Apparently, if you exceed the recommended dose, it can cause quite a lot of discomfort. I mean, more than the intended discomfort, obviously.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Domesticated bliss

Oh...  now there was a reason. What on earth was it?  Ermmm... let me think.

It's her next project for the garden, after the sun deck is all done.

They say that dieting requires self-discipline, but I've never found I needed any.

Oh, humour her.  Women can be silly about these things.  An occasional waterboarding is a small price to pay for a harmonious mariage, hmm?

Nothing.  Yet.

Friday, May 4, 2018

That would be funny...

... if it weren't so sad.

Actually, there's a perfectly simple explanation. Just tell her you're a pervert.

You can get quite sweaty dressed up like that.  Hope the other guests have brought plenty of liquids.

Hee hee. Brad might think he's her favourite lover, but she doesn't put the spotty socks on for him, does she?  I know where her true affections lie.  Anyway, better get on with it, there's ironing to do (yum!).

Very true. We each have our special skill. Mine is 'incompetence'.

Blubbolow fllabbo ploh?

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

The other was me and I'm a boy

Never quite sure what The Who were complaining about in that song. Looks to me like an idyllic childhood.

You can earn free hair grips and stuff when you spend money too - pretty cool, huh?

She tries so hard... but usually fails.

That's a bit unfair.  I once told my SO that I could do any job a woman can do, so she arranged an internshp at a brothel, giving blow-jobs to oil rig workers on shore leave. To be honest, I wasn't quite as good at it as the girls but I had plenty of clients once they priced me at a 95% discount.

Yeah, how about it Dave?  Equal pay for equal work.  Stand up for yourself and be a man, for once.  Or 'you go, girl!'.  Whatever.

Our pillory's my special place.  I can spend hours at a time in there, not really doing anything in particular, you know?

Friday, April 27, 2018

Man is a political animal

... but do we really want to let animals vote?

More visions of a saner political future than our crazy, testosterone-fuelled present.  More can be found by clicking "bit of politics" in the word cloud over there >>>>, although some of those are from a darker, more... hard-core future. 

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Pet sounds

Let's hope she's not trying for a multiple orgasm today.

If they do a good job, she'll probably want to buy the monthly pass.  Works out a lot cheaper.

Hi Belinda.  You know, about pain play... I've been thinking. 

And then he has to sow the wheat but after that he can take a bit of a rest until harvest time.  Apart from practicing for the competition at the Country Fair, obviously.

Oh dear.  I hope she's not too disappointed.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

In the morning...

...when the madness has faded.

Oh, yeah, it was good, thanks.  Well, it was kind-of good, but it was kind-of weird, too.

See, I picked up these two German guys – at Anaconda, you know, that new bar by the river?  Anyway, Kurt and Walter, they were and we got talking and one thing led to another, and I asked them if they wanted a fuck and so off we went.

And I thought they’d take turns, but they wanted to do me together – one at the front, one at the back, you know?  And they both had lovely big cocks, and they were quite tall, so I’m actually impaled there, really, with my feet off the ground with all my weight pushing them all the way into me, so that was great. But I couldn’t really move, so I’m thinking ‘now what?’ and then they both just start thrusting, using their knees to jiggle me up and down.  They both had really strong thighs – cyclists, I think.

Anyway, I’m just gasping away as all this is going on, and then I realise they’re talking away to one another while they fuck.  I don’t know what they were saying but they were just looking straight at each other and chatting away, and when I tried to kiss one of them he kind of brushed me away so he could keep on talking to his friend.

And that’s when I realised, they weren’t really fucking me – they were fucking each other!  A bit like when I realised on our wedding night that you were more interested in my panties than in what was inside them.  Remember? Well… more fun than that, obviously.  But it was a bit humiliating actually – I guess they couldn’t admit to themselves that they were gay, so they just had to use a girl like a… like a plug adaptor or something.

They took me from both ends after that, with me down on all fours, and then I really felt like a piece of meat.  Hi guys – I’m Julie, I’ll be the tube connecting your cocks tonight!  Enjoy.

Anyway, they’re leaving for Germany this afternoon, so I suppose that’s that.   

It’s a bit sad, really, don’t you think?  That they fancy each other so much but they have to fuck girls all the time to express it?  It is a bit like you and the panties, isn’t it?  Only less pathetic.    

Oh, that reminds me, actually - can we move your unlocked night to Wednesday next week?